The World Mourns The Plight of Millions of Eastern Senior Men, Rhino Horn Dies

There was distress in parts of the Eastern World and an outpouring of sympathy from Western neighbors on December 14th when it was announced that Angalifu’s horn, a male Northern White Rhinocero-horn, had died at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park.  Angalifu was the second-to-last male rhino-horn of it’s species.  Northern White Rhino-horns are universally considered to be the very best horns to be used as powerful aphrodisiacs and catch-all fetishes for thousands of ridiculous superstiti….we mean, Eastern medicinal purposes.

Ken Bohn/Reuters
Ken Bohn/Reuters

The loss of the keratin (keratin is the same material in human fingernails) estimated from only having one male member of this once-proud species is going to doom millions of Eastern old-men to a life without the simple joy of fooling themselves into believing that chewing on fingernails will give them ‘increased vigor’ or help their flaccid members to attain former heights of glory once known by their once-virile manhood.
Cards of condolences have been arriving from people in the U.S. and Central America, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Africa, who added that they too were “sorry” for the loss of Angalifu’s meat and horn.
A spokesman for Africa said that, “They see now that their dire need for bushmeat and the black-market saleries they enjoyed from selling horns was nowhere near as urgent as the Eastern need for Magic Rhino-Dust.  We were selfish and short-sighted.  If we had only looked past our own pressing problems, we could have started a breeding program back when we had a larger population of horns and meat.”

Hope remains however.  The Society of Homeopaths has already rushed to visit several key regions in the East in order to offer an emergency program designed to counter the loss of the prized horns.
Dr. Starbird Windwillow, the Director of SOH New Eastern Market Division, says that, “If we can obtain the remaining stores of keratin-derived Medicines, we should be able to create an indefinite supply.  Nobody would have to suffer.  Nobody at all.”  He added that it would be, “Strong boners for all.”

This week the entire world hangs it’s head in shame, crushed by the burden of self-knowledge.  Nobody had thought of others, while there had been time.  Now, Western scientists are trying to make it up to Eastern senior citizens and their cultural medicinal practices by trying to clone rhino horns, or rebuild a population of horns by using stem cells.

–We at C.A.A.C.A. heard the bad news over at Professor Jerry A Coyne’s, Why Evolution is True.



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Lance LeClaire is a freelance artist and writer. He writes on subjects ranging from science and skepticism, atheism, and religious history and issues, to unexplained mysteries and historical oddities, among other subjects. You can look him up on Facebook, or keep an eye for his articles on Here I blog about issues and news relating to atheism and religion primarily, and C.A.A.C.A. is a satire/parody site. That should go without saying, but in America it's often necessary anyway.

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