An ‘Atheist Extremist’, Lord, at Last AT LAST!

Craig Stephen Hicks, accused in the murder of three Muslim Students:  Durham County Sheriff’s Office, via Associated Press


By Lance Luther:

Ever since Sep. 11th dropped two skyscrapers worth of headaches on our heads and the roar of atheists have clamored for the blood of violent Christians and Muslims ever since, we religionists have prayed every day for a target that we could answer back in kind to.

The good lord has provided us with that target.

Before the smoke had even dissipated on a Tuesday in February, and well before the details came in, my fellow traveler Elizabeth Stoker Bruenig made us all glow with newborn pride by writing ‘The Chapel Hill Murders Should be a Wake Up Call to Atheists‘ for The New Republic.  You should read it and come back.  My heart still burns with self-righteous vindication; there really are atheist extremists!  Never mind the disgusting way the author (and a small army of others–can you say praise the Lord!) uses the murder of three young Muslim students (of Arab descent), two of them newlyweds, to get a dig in on atheists before anything was known about the facts, that can be safely ignored, my friends.  After all, it’s worth it to finally get a chance to kick some smug faces in.

I completely agree with the authors contention that atheists are all Satan-worshiping male children (um, except for my esteemed colleague prof. Squawkins of course), never mind the robust feminist atheist community out there, and never mind the average age of every well-known atheist thinker since the Enlightenment (maybe the author should peep the author photos of near every atheist author).  And yes, everybody knows that Christians hate atheists–but YES!  WAKE UP CALL you kiddy atheists!  Maybe now you’ll stop kidnapping christian children and sacrificing them along with she-goats to the Devil.

As details emerge about this atheist scumbag, we find that…uh…he was a gun collector overcome with rage over a parking violation…and victim Deah Barakat’s own brother said that Craig Stephen Hicks never made any kind of anti-Muslim comments during said ongoing feud…and his wife flatly rejected any religious motive for the slayings and that Hicks was vocal about equal rights for all as well as irreligion, and even the New York Times isn’t falling for the ‘hate crime’ theory.

um, maybe we should just forget about this one.  If we keep it up, atheists could blame any murder on Christians or Muslims, since overwhelmingly, a killer would probably identify themselves as one of the two and since motive seems so irrelevant to authors like Bruenig, why should it be relevant to atheists?

If we keep writing articles like this one after the evidence has come in, us Christians and Muslims will just look stupid.

Lance Luthur is writing the sequel to his groundbreaking (but unfortunately lost in a pig-ditch in a Kentucky field) manifesto.  It will be entitled, ‘The Lord’s Anger and You: How to Stamp Out Christian Liberalism Within Your Own Communities While Kicking Out the Catholics and Bringing Back Tammy Faye and Other Important business”.

He plans to nail copies to the White House door, Pat Robertson’s Studio, and the Pope’s Lavatory.  This time he swears to use a longer nail… 




Staff of C.A.A.C.A Downed by Flu, Vows to Keep Publishing:

While composing a New years post for this blog, a killer Flu virus burst into our offices and downed the staff for nearly two weeks now.  It appears that while we were out, the religious world around us went batshit insane.

In just the first weeks of 2015 since we last wrote, 12 cartoonists in France were gunned down by Islamic extremist who yelled, well…you know what they yelled.  Yes, once again it was over cartoons depicting Mohammed, along with other Islamic themes, in a not-so-flattering light.

As you have certainly heard by now, millions of people and over 40 World Leaders gathered in Paris to honor the fallen cartoonists (the U.S. was strangely absent from the rally, and is facing some harsh criticism for it-although Obama did call Hollande and said, “Yo, we’re with ya bro!”).

Immediately after the two gunmen committed this atrocity (police are currently looking for possible accomplishes), the arguments about whether or not it was appropriate to print the cartoons began.  People who had never seen or read a copy of Charlie Hebdo and couldn’t speak or read a word of French condemned the images as racist (pretty funny coming from a strongly anti-racist, nonconformist, and left-wing magazine), always careful however, to hedge their words with a weaselly ‘but’ as in, “I would never say the cartoonists deserved it, but…” Some people (especially the kind of people that are often the subject of it) just can’t seem to get a grip on satire.  Satire draws portraits of a power or authority and holds it up to the real thing like a mirror, but grotesque and distorted (which is what the subject looks like in truth, without the mask of social decorum firmly in place).  It draws the views of these people and drags them out kicking and screaming into the light of day for everyone to see (hence the depiction of so-called ‘welfare queens’ of Islam in an issue of Charlie Hebdo-that was the view of a certain intolerant right-wing party pushing ‘immigration reform’ in France, and CH was laughing at that view, not endorsing it.  When the great Johnathan Swift wrote satire entitled”A Modest Proposal” he was, (razor tongue in cheek) suggesting that the government deal with starvation, famine, and the almost non-existent economy at the the time by selling unwanted children for food, and using the skin for the fine clothes of great Lords and Ladies.  He was, of course, highlighting how little the rich cared about the plight of the people, by shoving it in their faces.  You can read this masterpiece of satire here:

A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick (1729)

But hey-let’s grant (just for a moment) that the cartoons were every bit as racist as argued; vile spiteful little drawings from a colonial white power elite intended to belittle and laugh about the hopes and problems of some minority brown-skinned race that France doesn’t like.  Let’s grant that ridiculous notion for a moment.

Here in America, we had a group of elite whites cartoonists that really did do that, (and they slip in sometimes even today) and we had an entire group of people-recently freed African Americans, who really did have every reason to decry how they were depicted (not to mention how they were beaten in the streets on a regular basis, lynched by vigilante mobs or plain old hate mobs, and numerous other forms of direct oppression).  They were oppressed by a colonial power, laughed at and made fun of with openly racist cartoons of a truly sickening nature and had every right to go after cartoonists when the civil rights movement erupted.  Yet no cartoonists were ever murdered by angry revenge mobs that I’ve ever heard of, and if they had, no one would have ever said, “it doesn’t excuse the murder, but…”.  If this kind of revenge murder didn’t happen then, I wonder what the different factor was that tipped the scales towards violence this time around?  Of course it’s religion, the factor everyone screams has nothing to do with it (or anyways, isn’t the real reason) even while the murderers claim to A: be working in the name of the prophet, B: demand that others submit to their understanding of blasphemy, and C: demand the institution of religious governance.

One person who has had a long career of tweaking his nose at power is legendary cartoonist Robert Crumb, best known for his underground comics of the 60’s and 70’s and who now lives in France.  This interview about the cartoon he just drew for the French newspaper, Liberation of “The hairy ass of Muhammed,” is an excellent read.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before our resident apologist Reza Aslan got into the act, but that’s the subject of a later post-we will need all our health to take on the grand master of uncertainty.

Meanwhile, Boko Haram, who desperately needs more attention by the international community, went on a murderous rampage through villages that left as many as 2,000 dead and 30,000 displaced in Nigeria starting on Jan. 3rd of 2015.  The Islamic rebel army have been terrorizing the region for the last nine days and bodies are still lying uncounted and unaccounted for.  For some strange reason, nobody is wearing shirts or holding signs saying “I am Baga town and surrounding villages and 2000 senselessly-killed and 30,000 driven from their homes, possibly forever.”  We guess it’s just not catchy enough.  Regardless, our we will post in greater detail about the massacre soon.

In lesser news, the Atlantic contained an article relating what must be some of the most terrible, faith-testing, frustrating questions an Islamist militant could ever face; the first-world problem-based questions of aspiring Western Jihadists.  The website has become a sight where hip aspiring IS militants gather in order to find out such essential-to-survival questions as whether or not WI-FI will be available (it will…or so they say!), or if a scrappy young Jihadist needs a parents permission to go marauding (It’s best, but better yet to bring the parents along!  “Hey Mom!  Guess where we’re going on vacation this year!?”)  Reading this article, you can just imagine some battle-hardened Jihadist, wearing his suicide vest with a bloody machete strapped to his vest, facepalming over and over and over again…

Last but not least, the non-hacktivist group Anonymous is pissed over Charlie Hebdo.  They have vowed to hunt down every last terrorist and annoy them for a day or two (as long as nobody throws an insult at one of their GamerZone buddies or something, in which case they will be forced to devote all their resources to Operation: Kid in Basement).  They reportedly already hit one target (a French extremist site) for like, a whole hour.  Rumor has it that al Qaeda, Is, Hamas and Hezbollah and the other major terrorist organizations are all expected to formally surrender and turn over their weapons over the next few days.

Here’s one of their silly videos, complete with that Max-Headroom shit.

Anonymous could have cost quite a few lives back when it tried to interfere with the IDF in Israel during the last major conflict there.  This time they may lose a few of their own.

A quick message for Anonymous; denial-of-service attacks are not hacking.  Could you maybe learn a new trick?

That’s only a portion of the insanity raging around religion over the last few weeks and the remaining staff at C.A.A.C.A. swears that this virus will not keep us down.  The blog will continue.  The blog must continue.  We are C.A.A.C.A.

Ken Ham Shakes Fist at Those Damn Atheists:

By Rev. Lance Luther:

Ken Ham, visibly red; sweat pouring down from his face and his shirt collar loose and partially undone, raised his fist defiantly to the air and screamed to the very heavens:  “Damn you, you ungodly atheists!!  Damn you all to Hell!!!”

Some people who witnessed the event swore that there was an ear-splitting crack of thunder as Ham shouted those words, and that lightning played across the well-known creationist’s fist, but most observers admitted that it was a sunny day with birds singing and a slight breeze lightly blowing across the lands that make up the Ark Encounters theme park, where Ham made his statements to the press.

Vowing revenge of Biblical proportions, Ham has stated that he intends to sue the State of Kentucky over his right to receive $81 Million dollars in order to build a giant toy boat with,  while discriminating against workers.  “I wasn’t going to do that, I WASN’T!!!  I WASN’T!!!” Ham exclaimed, jumping up and down while pumping his fists, with busts of steam coming out of his ears and great clouds of earth rising up around him.  “I was only going to discriminate against people over at the secular bits of my museum!”

So now Ham is claiming that the Commonwealth of Kentucky is violating Ham’s god-given–I mean, constitutional right to deny employment to anyone that isn’t Ham’s kind of Christian…the stupid kind.  Ham’s lawyers, not familiar with the difference between a church and a for-profit business, insist that Ark Encounters should be able to discriminate, like ‘all other religious organizations do’ and to do otherwise would “change their identity,” not only making the state’s case for them, but also accidentally implying that religions are inherently discriminatory.  It’s like God created a stupid-bomb and set if off around everyone involved with the Creation Museum and Ark Encounters.

Seeking the opinion of some of Ham’s competition, I spoke to Pope Methuselah Leroy about Ham’s attitude.  Pope Leroy is the old fella up the way who awoke one day to a vision that told him he was Christ’s real, bad-ass vicar on Earth and then commanded him to make a giant five story tree-house church out of nothing but old tires.  He said that Ham should just “Quit his hollarin’.  I didn’t get no million-dollar grant and I did just fine.  Jesus provides, remember?  There’s plenty of free timber at the town junk yard, and nails are all over the place.  Watch out for the dogs though.”

But Ham would hear nothing of good old Christian self-reliance.  Instead he erected a cruel and terrible revenge upon the atheists…a billboard that made them all laugh out loud.  One atheist was reduced to tears.  Once he had recovered he was finally able to gasp feebly, “Sink this ship…”, before collapsing to the ground again.  “Ken Ham couldn’t do better if he had channeled the spirit of Robin Williams!”

Credit: Ark Encounters
Credit: Ark Encounters

Nationwide, those atheists were up to even more shenanigans.  It wasn’t enough to put up those mocking Satanic displays in Florida (praise be to the brave ‘Christian Warrior’ who saved us all from that threat), or to help some evil Muslim woman in Ohio sue the Cuyahoga County Jail for forcing her to attend Christian services.  This is just a small sample of the evils that atheists have allowed to propagate across the land over the last few months.

Now those dirty atheists are going after our precious Homeland Security laws, along with a Kentucky plaque placed at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort that actually, according to Ham, “requires Kentucky’s Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge it can’t keep the state safe without God’s help.”  Because apparently, an invisible man who is never around and never heard to issue orders is the commander and chief of all of our military (which would explain a lot, actually).

Yes, Ham has taken to the internet with a withering expose on how those atheists are trying to get rid of part of a Kentucky state anti-terrorism law that comes dangerously close to providing a legal framework for a state religion (although it makes no mention of any particular specific religion, thankfully).  Both the law and the plaque in question, (which partially reads that national security, “…cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God.”), “…is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I’ve ever seen,” according to Edwin F. Kagin, the national legal director of  American Atheists Inc (based out of Parsippany, N.J.).  In his brilliant condemnation of the atheists, Ken Ham notes that Ed Kagin lives in the same region as himself and the Creation Museum, has been persecuting poor Ham and his loony bin–ah, museum, for years, and that–oops!  His address is 2800 Evilton Ave, Petersburg, KY 41080 and his private number is (588) 582-4253 and it sure would be a shame if that infidel unbelieving heathen were to be harassed or something….

On the other side of the issue, Dem. Rep. Tom Riner said, “No government by itself can guarantee perfect security.  There will always be this opposition to the acknowledgment of divine providence, but this is a foundational  understanding of what America is.”  Apparently, Riner failed to understand that 9/11 was a far cry from “perfect Safety”.  Where was divine providence then?  Where was God’s protection then?  Did he only begin his job as protector after Kentucky passed a law and made a shiny plaque?  What about the wounded veterans?  Didn’t they deserve ‘perfect safety’?  And since we are talking about ‘perfect’ safety and protection, as in God-like levels of perfection, shouldn’t our reputation and standing as a nation have been completely untarnished after events in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc?  After all, a shining reputation makes a nation safer than a tarnished one does.

On the other hand, maybe God let 9/11 happen on purpose, just so Kentucky could pass this law and God could get his official ‘in’ as the Grand Poo-bah of the military.  A spiritual ‘coup’ or false flag operation, if you will.  After all, he works in mysterious ways and all that, at least he does whenever Christians can’t think of an easy justification.

Anyways, the forces of Satan and the children of iniquity have been busy in Kentucky.  The atheists may mean well, based on their twisted, immoral little ideologies, but for each legal success they obtain that doesn’t replace religion with something at least as absolutist in its place, the rotten fruit of agnosticism creeps closer and closer.  Without God’s protection in our military, we might have to actually think about our motivations and goals.  Where’s the percentage in that?  Then there’s $81 Million bucks for an oversize wooden boat that will without a single doubt be causing accidents and injuries as it falls apart around the customers due to shoddy workmanship, construction shortcuts and funds diverted to offshore accounts and religious coffers.  Without that noble monument…ummm…ah…uhh, well….damn.

I can’t think of a single thing that anyone would lose if that eyesore never gets made.

Rev. Lance Luther

Lance Luther was born to a father who was a snake-handling Baptist from Warren, MI and a Louisiana Puritan mother who practiced Macumba on the side that made him do chores all day until Luther realized he could get his 13 brothers and sisters to do them for him if he collapsed to the ground, drooled, and made random noises while inserting ‘instructions’ to his siblings.  He never looked back and embarked upon his career as the Reverend of the ‘First Reformed Protestant of the Lost Lamb With the Swinging Sword and the Holy Spook with (Redacted)’, or the ‘Holy Swingers’ or ‘Swingers for the Lamb’ for short.

Noting the need for religious reform in America (too many laws that restricted the flow of money into Luther’s wallet), Luther penned his massive, monumental, brilliant, opus, ‘Manifesto Against the Protestant Work Ethic and a Call for a New ‘Murican Reformation’.  On a day that came to called ‘The Great Day of Reform’ among Luther’s followers, and ‘Sunday morning’ among everyone else, Luther had a copy of his manuscript nailed to every church door in the U.S. where they promptly blew away.  

Luther is currently involved in re-writing his greatest work (he forgot to keep a copy–forethought isn’t a prophet’s greatest strength) and calling for legislation to drug test babies before their mothers can be eligible for food stamps.  He also heads C.R.A.S.S.S. the Christians Response Alert for Silly Stories in School which advocates the teaching of alternative theories to evolution–but only if those theories are absolutist.     

He formed C.A.A.C.A. with Professor Richard Sqauwkins after a two week-long flame war that left both sides convinced that the real enemy of mankind is uncertainty.    


Yes Virginia: There Almost Certainly is Not a Santa Claus

By Pro. Richard Sqauwkins

Just before the holidays, I received a delightful letter from one of our younger followers that reads, in part:

Dear Professor, 

My name is Virginia, and I am 12 years old.  My friends tell me that there is no such thing as Santa Clause.  I just know it isn’t true!  There has to be a Santa Claus, there just has to be!  Who brings the toys?  Who eats the cookies?  Who smells the living room up like eggnog and rum the night before Christmas?  One year, I even saw him putting the presents under the tree!  

Professor Sqauwkins, I know you are a very smart man.  Could you tell me the truth, please?

Yours truly, Virginia

Well, this letter just tugged at my heart and I had to answer it, for Virginia and all the other children like her, who yearn for magic and are getting primed for religion, so I decided to answer her here:

You gullible little twit, there is almost certainly no such thing as Santa Claus. People might tell you that there is no way to disprove Santa Claus, but once you look at the evidence that something else is the cause of Santa-related phenomena, the likelihood that the fat man really exists becomes vanishingly small.

Haven’t you ever noticed the price tags, clearance aisle stickers and bar codes plastered all over the boxes of the toys you receive, or are you friggin blind?  Do you think that a North Pole workshop would bother putting those things on free toys?  Ever notice how broke your parents are right after Christmas–and how much more they drink?  Put two and two together, you stupid cow.  You look at these toys and say that “well, the toys are there, and something caused those toys to be there and we call that cause Santa Claus, but evidence and Occam’s Razor dictate that the simplest answer is probably the correct one; your drunken parents, you git.  Haven’t you ever peeked into your parent’s closet just before Christmas?

Look, you can compare the likelihood that a flying sleigh pulled by magic reindeer actually exists to the likelihood that a million slivers of wood and cheap brass thrown into the air would randomly self-assemble into a sleigh.  It could happen, but in practice it doesn’t.  Any idiot can see that.  And while it could be that there is an invisible, magical fat man that can somehow be everywhere at once (or as close to it that it hardly matters), it’s more probable that your dad rented a smelly old costume and ate a few cookies while allowing you to catch a peek, before killing a bottle and high-tailing it back to bed.

What about the man himself?  Santa Claus is just a cobbled-together collection of old Pagan fables and mythology ranging from the ancient Roman festivals that gave us gift giving and cookies to the Norse tales of Odin as a gift-giver who traveled around once a year on his many-legged horses, to the English tales of Father Christmas that grew out of the anonymous gift-giving of country Pastors, to similar tales from Scandinavia and nearby regions–all wrapped around the skeleton of Saint Nicholas…the original Santa Clause.  Their are so many fables propped up onto that flimsy frame, it’s no wonder Santa Claus is portrayed as fat.  When something that is supposed to be true has so many elements stolen from so many places and time periods, the only conclusion to reach is that the whole story is hogwash.

I mean, we would at the very least, be hearing sonic booms all morning long on Christmas as Santa Claus keeps breaking the sound barrier with his sleigh.  The absence of sonic booms is positive evidence for the non-existence of Santa Claus because they would have to be present if he existed.  Did you get that, or is it too complicated for your ass?

Then we have the testimony of millions of parents who have all come forward to tell us that they made the whole thing up and that they just pretended to be Santa Claus so they could make you happy once a year.  They say that it was just a harmless story and that if it gave a few kids some comfort, well, that’s a positive thing isn’t it?  If kids want to believe in Santa Claus, what’s wrong with that?

These parents exploit the trust and gullibility of their own children, just to have a force that enables them to have control over them and keep them in line.  “Do this or you won’t get any presents this year.”  “Don’t be ‘naughty’ (where naughty is anything a parent decides it to be and can change at any time).’  Parents take cruel advantage of a child’s trust and they pay no mind to the fear and psychological damage it causes, and the sense of deep betrayal should a child use his or her reason to come upon the truth.  They punish and persecute your older brother if he tries to tell you there is no Santa Claus and the parents of other children will punish and persecute them if they try to speak out.  Parents will call them ‘party-poopers’ or just plain mean, but don’t believe them!  Parental Santa apologists have had a long time to hone their words well, and use them as weapons against those who would use reason and demand evidence before they will accept something as true.

So no Virginia, you feeble fool.  Just because you cannot disprove the existence of Santa Claus, that doesn’t make him real, any more than the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, your favorite cartoon characters or cartoon cereal mascots, magic princesses, or any of the other silly things you believe in.  Magic sucks–reality is the only thing that is real, and obviously, putting my boot down on all your pet superstitions is the only thing I live for.

Professor Richard Sqauwkins

Professor Richard Sqauwkins, President of M.O.B. (Atheists for More Obnoxious Blogs), is the mean-spirited, black-hearted absolute ruler of all Atheists.  His heart was forged in the blackest pits of Hell and he clawed his way to the top of academia to become the Professor of Evolution on the backs of babies, women, puppy-dogs and fluffy bunny-rabbits.  His blood runs colder than Dante’s ninth circle, and he murdered the better angel of his nature.  There is nothing sacred that he wouldn’t spill his bile all over.  He’s an ‘intellectual.’  You have been warned…  

The 18 Million-Dollar Church & State Bitchslap:

Ken Ham’s Pet Ark project (known as the Ark Encounter; his proposed Noah’s Ark-based theme park under pseudo-construction in Kentucky, of all places) has hit a snag–the ‘museum’s’ hiring practices are clearly discriminatory and a violation of Federal Law because Ham insists on running it as a for-profit business (How some churchey-types just LOVE taking from Caesar).

Pictured: Reality Credit: Ark Encounters


This minor detail has brought down the ire of both atheists, such as Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, and secular/religious Church/State separation supporters, such as Americans United.  You see, Ham recently applied for a 18 million dollar tourism tax incentive, which was granted preliminary acceptance (how it got that far is scandalous enough, but Rev. Luther is drooling all over the keyboard at the possibilities).  Now, the Project’s proposal has been turned down.

The proposal went adrift because Ham and his fellow creationists forced potential new hires to sign a declaration of faith before they can climb aboard and set sail.  When the storm moved in, secular groups were forced to drop the anchor and try to make Ham walk the plank.

Ham, of course denies everything and insists that the religious oath was only meant for the non-profit part of the project–like designing the Ark, the religious object everyone is going to be looking at if this Turkey flies (boat ever gets christened?).  You can see some of the actual job postings over at Dan Arel’s Patheos blog, Danthropology.

In related news, the Ark Encounters website just ran a feature on a crocaduck.

Updates as the tide comes in.
C.A.A.C.A. got the story from Faith Street,

The World Mourns The Plight of Millions of Eastern Senior Men, Rhino Horn Dies

There was distress in parts of the Eastern World and an outpouring of sympathy from Western neighbors on December 14th when it was announced that Angalifu’s horn, a male Northern White Rhinocero-horn, had died at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park.  Angalifu was the second-to-last male rhino-horn of it’s species.  Northern White Rhino-horns are universally considered to be the very best horns to be used as powerful aphrodisiacs and catch-all fetishes for thousands of ridiculous superstiti….we mean, Eastern medicinal purposes.

Ken Bohn/Reuters
Ken Bohn/Reuters

The loss of the keratin (keratin is the same material in human fingernails) estimated from only having one male member of this once-proud species is going to doom millions of Eastern old-men to a life without the simple joy of fooling themselves into believing that chewing on fingernails will give them ‘increased vigor’ or help their flaccid members to attain former heights of glory once known by their once-virile manhood.
Cards of condolences have been arriving from people in the U.S. and Central America, the United Kingdom, Australia, and Africa, who added that they too were “sorry” for the loss of Angalifu’s meat and horn.
A spokesman for Africa said that, “They see now that their dire need for bushmeat and the black-market saleries they enjoyed from selling horns was nowhere near as urgent as the Eastern need for Magic Rhino-Dust.  We were selfish and short-sighted.  If we had only looked past our own pressing problems, we could have started a breeding program back when we had a larger population of horns and meat.”

Hope remains however.  The Society of Homeopaths has already rushed to visit several key regions in the East in order to offer an emergency program designed to counter the loss of the prized horns.
Dr. Starbird Windwillow, the Director of SOH New Eastern Market Division, says that, “If we can obtain the remaining stores of keratin-derived Medicines, we should be able to create an indefinite supply.  Nobody would have to suffer.  Nobody at all.”  He added that it would be, “Strong boners for all.”

This week the entire world hangs it’s head in shame, crushed by the burden of self-knowledge.  Nobody had thought of others, while there had been time.  Now, Western scientists are trying to make it up to Eastern senior citizens and their cultural medicinal practices by trying to clone rhino horns, or rebuild a population of horns by using stem cells.

–We at C.A.A.C.A. heard the bad news over at Professor Jerry A Coyne’s, Why Evolution is True.


Reza Aslan Tells Atheists, “You Aren’t Doing It Right, Buy My Book!”

By Lance Luther, on behalf of C.R.A.S.S. and C.A.A.C.A.

My collar comes off to Reza Aslan, our favorite apologist, for his brilliant column in Salon last month in which yet again he tells those atheists what is and isn’t atheism for them (no need to thank him, folks!  Just doing his job!) while also putting down the defined-by-Aslan “New Atheists” for being what Aslan defines them to be while all the while hawking his book and doing it with one hand tied behind his back!  Drum-rolls please!  A truly inspiring performance!

Before beginning his deconstruction of atheism, he showed everybody a scroll, and allowed one end to drop to the floor where it then rolled halfway to Montana while it listed his vague credentials.  I just want to say here that I heartily agree from the bottom of my soul that a Creative Writing Professor is most certainly qualified to speak on religious books.  Stop picking on him for that!  Besides, he has a book to sell.

Reza want us to believe that atheism and anti-theism are two separate things,  and furthermore, he has a book to sell.  Well, duh.  Even I don’t think that my colleagues are that stupid.  But never mind that,  what he really wants you to know is that the ‘New Atheists’ (of whom he only knows two) aren’t really atheists, and it takes a Muslim who preaches down to Christians about Jesus (with the old ‘radical’ chestnut, no less) in a book (Buy it!  Buy it!) to tell them that.  But don’t worry, he’s qualified to speak!  He’s a ‘scholar of religion*’.  He’ll tell you that if you forget, or even if you don’t.  If you buy his book, you can read it over and over again on the inside jacket.  You won’t figure out which of his credentials are relevant, but you can enjoy them forever.

No, those ‘New Atheists’ are really just nasty-‘ole ‘anti-theist’s’; those who are actually opposed to religion.  They can’t be both, mind you!  And nobody seems to remember poor Daniel Dennent, who is certainly considered a ‘New Atheist’ but hey!  He doesn’t fit the ‘insult-to-sell’ marketing model (I’m so gosh-durned jealous of that idea!).  Dennent is just so nice about his criticisms, and a LOT harder to quote-mine, and besides, understanding him is too much like work.

In an astounding masterpiece of weasel words, Aslan calls anti-theism a ‘historically-new phenomena’, then tells us how the word atheism was taken from the ancient Greek ‘a-theos’ (without gods), and rightly points out that the word was a pejorative.  He says the term “doesn’t necessarily” (magically causing at least half the word’s definition to disappear in a puff of weasel-fur) mean people who out-right rejected gods, but was used for people who were simply “unaware of” gods or who simply “acted as though the gods didn’t exist”.  Of course, we all know the term was predominantly meant for people who actively rejected the gods and rejected the belief in their interference in the affairs of men.   You know, like ‘anti-theist’s’ do!  When they did so in public (and sometimes not even then), the crime of atheism was punishable by death.  The sources we get this from are even predominantly Christian!  Even I don’t try this argument with atheists; they are too well-read.  Aslan’s willingness to insert boot-in-mouth is sheer bravado, lack of basic intelligence, or something that speaks volumes about Aslan’s opinion of his readership’s intelligence and level of literacy.

As we all know, Aslan was the one who revived the years-old ‘nuclear war meme’ on poor old heathen Sam Harris, long after it was debunked and everyone else had moved on to Richard Dawkin’s tweets (Quick primer: Harris posed a hypothetical terrorist situation to illustrate the dangers of religious fanatics getting their hands on modern WMD, and the type of response other nations may find themselves forced into.  The passage was quote-mined out of context worse than archaeological artifacts dug up in Israel).  The column he addressed this in accompanied the quote with a photoshopped image designed to make Harris look frightening and the very model of bigotry.  You know, like this:

Aslan Meme

It also included a plea to buy Aslan’s book, we’re fairly certain, but just to be clear; Aslan’s preferred method of dealing with people who are in the grips of religious fanaticism is to kill them without mercy.  At least according to the rules that he plays by.  But back to the atheists, who clearly need Reza Aslan and his big dic…um, big credentials (whatever the hell they are.  Nobody’s been able to make sense of them) to explain atheism to them.

Aslan would have us believe that, thank’s to the evil mechanisms of the ‘New Atheists’ (what a wonderful way to avoid lobbing accusations upon individuals.  Saves on word count as well.  Typing “Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins” all the time must be exhausting and Macros are complicated.  We all know Aslan would NEVER actually read something he was involving himself with; like a Microsoft Word manual or The End of Faith) atheism has become no better than the fundamentalists they decry.  Aslan points out that religion is “embedded in culture” so therefore, criticizing any component of religion, or even religion itself, is automatic bigotry (in other words, “don’t worry folks, it only “lacks nuance’ when the other side does it!”)

He writes:

“In seeking to replace religion with secularism (sic) and faith with science (sic), the New Atheists have, perhaps inadvertently, launched a movement with far too many similarities to the ones they so radically oppose (sic)…Like religious fundamentalism (sic), New Atheism is primarily a reactionary phenomenon, one that responds to religion with the same venomous ire (sic) with which religious fundamentalists respond to atheism.”

Aslan has hit the nail right on the head!  ‘New Atheists’ really do possess the exact same “venomous ire” as religious fundamentalists!  Why in this very week, while Boko Haram or one of its adoring off-shoots kidnapped 100 schoolchildren to sell into sexual slavery to the type of Muslims who believe that the Koran justifies this sort of thing (and anyone else with the cash) and the Pakistan Taliban murdered 146 people, almost entirely children, in their ongoing feud to make their Islam top-dog in the region, atheists violently threw word-grenades at their own families, at holiday celebrations, no less, while muzzling their family’s free-speech rights (as we reported in a recent post about an article by Fred Silverman), and worse, somebody left Richard Dawkins alone in a room with access to a Twitter feed again.  Its been a brutal month for anti-theist fundamentalism that’s for sure, and the world should definitely take note of the difference between them and religious fundamentalists.

One thing Aslan really hates is when atheists generalize about a problem and claim that what should be properly defined as a ‘social’ or ‘political’ problem is really a religious ones.  Take female genital mutilation (FGM).  Atheists are pretty well-known for condemning this practice and blaming it on Islam.  Aslan insists that Genital mutilation is not an Islamic problem; that “It’s a Central African problem” (which is pretty bigoted in itself, since the problem is quite widespread out of Africa).  He rolls out a pretty impressive-sounding suite of statistics to back himself up with as well, and claims that many of the places that practice this barbarism are actually progressive bastions of equal rights for women with just a few ‘bad eggs’.  Except that his words are all weasel-words, half truths or even outright falsehoods.

Fortunately, we had Heather Hastie to parse Aslan’s apologetics for us.  Her blog, ‘Heather’s Homilies’ masterfully demonstrated that Aslan may be “…entitled to his own opinion of course, but he’s not entitled to his own facts.”  Not only is FGM a predominately Islamic practice nowadays–whatever its original cultural origins, but also nations like Indonesia and Malaysia are not the shining beacons of female equality that Aslan gushes forth about (although they have made great strides).   The article can be read here.

The point isn’t to pick on Muslims, the point is that if we don’t honestly place condemnation where condemnation is due (and yes, non-Muslim Africans share some of the blame), there is no hope to bringing an end to such practices, so that my missionaries can move in.

Aslan writes that New Atheism is ‘reactionary’ (breathtakingly ballet-dancing right over the irony of a religious apologist saying that), as if the ‘New Fundamentalism’ isn’t.  We here at C.A.A.C.A. are simply awestruck by the power of this Lv. 80 High-Wizard of Creeping Agnosticism, but nonetheless, we must conquer our fear and awe and work to bring him down.

Finally (thank God), Aslan writes that if you are an anti-theist:

“…if you truly believe that religion is “one of the world’s great evils” – as bad as smallpox and worse than rape; if you believe religion is a form of child abuse; that it is “violent, irrational, intolerant, allied to racism and tribalism and bigotry, invested in ignorance and hostile to free inquiry, contemptuous of women and coercive toward children” – if you honestly believed this about religion, then what lengths would you not go through to rid society of it?”

I don’t know, maybe the lengths people went to in order to establish the Enlightenment and separate Church and State?  Maybe the lengths Gandhi and his followers went to in order to realize their goals?  Maybe the methods that Many Arabs and Muslims resorted to in order to bring about the Arab Spring?  Maybe the lengths that Rev. Martin Luther King jr. went to for desegregation and the Rights of minorities? The ongoing struggle to reform the Catholic Church when it comes to the institutionalized protection of pedophile priests?  The revolution against the British occupation of Egypt? Non-violent resistance (rare as it is) to Israeli construction of Jewish settlements and of the West Bank Barrier?  The non-violent downfall of Apartheid in South Africa?  Non violent resistance to the draft and to war during the Vietnam war?  Non-violent resistance in Ireland (yes it has been a large part of Ireland’s often-turbulent history).  The mostly-non violent downfall of the Soviet Union?  All of the non violent methods that secular and moderate Muslims are resorting to all over the world to revolutionize their faith?  etc…etc…

Nah, anyone Aslan doesn’t like would just blow things up and murder people.  But buy his book, please.  And read his credentials.

*-Copyright 2012, Reza Aslan