By Rev. Lance Luther:
Ken Ham, visibly red; sweat pouring down from his face and his shirt collar loose and partially undone, raised his fist defiantly to the air and screamed to the very heavens: “Damn you, you ungodly atheists!! Damn you all to Hell!!!”
Some people who witnessed the event swore that there was an ear-splitting crack of thunder as Ham shouted those words, and that lightning played across the well-known creationist’s fist, but most observers admitted that it was a sunny day with birds singing and a slight breeze lightly blowing across the lands that make up the Ark Encounters theme park, where Ham made his statements to the press.
Vowing revenge of Biblical proportions, Ham has stated that he intends to sue the State of Kentucky over his right to receive $81 Million dollars in order to build a giant toy boat with, while discriminating against workers. “I wasn’t going to do that, I WASN’T!!! I WASN’T!!!” Ham exclaimed, jumping up and down while pumping his fists, with busts of steam coming out of his ears and great clouds of earth rising up around him. “I was only going to discriminate against people over at the secular bits of my museum!”
So now Ham is claiming that the Commonwealth of Kentucky is violating Ham’s god-given–I mean, constitutional right to deny employment to anyone that isn’t Ham’s kind of Christian…the stupid kind. Ham’s lawyers, not familiar with the difference between a church and a for-profit business, insist that Ark Encounters should be able to discriminate, like ‘all other religious organizations do’ and to do otherwise would “change their identity,” not only making the state’s case for them, but also accidentally implying that religions are inherently discriminatory. It’s like God created a stupid-bomb and set if off around everyone involved with the Creation Museum and Ark Encounters.
Seeking the opinion of some of Ham’s competition, I spoke to Pope Methuselah Leroy about Ham’s attitude. Pope Leroy is the old fella up the way who awoke one day to a vision that told him he was Christ’s real, bad-ass vicar on Earth and then commanded him to make a giant five story tree-house church out of nothing but old tires. He said that Ham should just “Quit his hollarin’. I didn’t get no million-dollar grant and I did just fine. Jesus provides, remember? There’s plenty of free timber at the town junk yard, and nails are all over the place. Watch out for the dogs though.”
But Ham would hear nothing of good old Christian self-reliance. Instead he erected a cruel and terrible revenge upon the atheists…a billboard that made them all laugh out loud. One atheist was reduced to tears. Once he had recovered he was finally able to gasp feebly, “Sink this ship…”, before collapsing to the ground again. “Ken Ham couldn’t do better if he had channeled the spirit of Robin Williams!”
Nationwide, those atheists were up to even more shenanigans. It wasn’t enough to put up those mocking Satanic displays in Florida (praise be to the brave ‘Christian Warrior’ who saved us all from that threat), or to help some evil Muslim woman in Ohio sue the Cuyahoga County Jail for forcing her to attend Christian services. This is just a small sample of the evils that atheists have allowed to propagate across the land over the last few months.
Now those dirty atheists are going after our precious Homeland Security laws, along with a Kentucky plaque placed at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort that actually, according to Ham, “requires Kentucky’s Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge it can’t keep the state safe without God’s help.” Because apparently, an invisible man who is never around and never heard to issue orders is the commander and chief of all of our military (which would explain a lot, actually).
Yes, Ham has taken to the internet with a withering expose on how those atheists are trying to get rid of part of a Kentucky state anti-terrorism law that comes dangerously close to providing a legal framework for a state religion (although it makes no mention of any particular specific religion, thankfully). Both the law and the plaque in question, (which partially reads that national security, “…cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God.”), “…is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I’ve ever seen,” according to Edwin F. Kagin, the national legal director of American Atheists Inc (based out of Parsippany, N.J.). In his brilliant condemnation of the atheists, Ken Ham notes that Ed Kagin lives in the same region as himself and the Creation Museum, has been persecuting poor Ham and his loony bin–ah, museum, for years, and that–oops! His address is 2800 Evilton Ave, Petersburg, KY 41080 and his private number is (588) 582-4253 and it sure would be a shame if that infidel unbelieving heathen were to be harassed or something….
On the other side of the issue, Dem. Rep. Tom Riner said, “No government by itself can guarantee perfect security. There will always be this opposition to the acknowledgment of divine providence, but this is a foundational understanding of what America is.” Apparently, Riner failed to understand that 9/11 was a far cry from “perfect Safety”. Where was divine providence then? Where was God’s protection then? Did he only begin his job as protector after Kentucky passed a law and made a shiny plaque? What about the wounded veterans? Didn’t they deserve ‘perfect safety’? And since we are talking about ‘perfect’ safety and protection, as in God-like levels of perfection, shouldn’t our reputation and standing as a nation have been completely untarnished after events in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc? After all, a shining reputation makes a nation safer than a tarnished one does.
On the other hand, maybe God let 9/11 happen on purpose, just so Kentucky could pass this law and God could get his official ‘in’ as the Grand Poo-bah of the military. A spiritual ‘coup’ or false flag operation, if you will. After all, he works in mysterious ways and all that, at least he does whenever Christians can’t think of an easy justification.
Anyways, the forces of Satan and the children of iniquity have been busy in Kentucky. The atheists may mean well, based on their twisted, immoral little ideologies, but for each legal success they obtain that doesn’t replace religion with something at least as absolutist in its place, the rotten fruit of agnosticism creeps closer and closer. Without God’s protection in our military, we might have to actually think about our motivations and goals. Where’s the percentage in that? Then there’s $81 Million bucks for an oversize wooden boat that will without a single doubt be causing accidents and injuries as it falls apart around the customers due to shoddy workmanship, construction shortcuts and funds diverted to offshore accounts and religious coffers. Without that noble monument…ummm…ah…uhh, well….damn.
I can’t think of a single thing that anyone would lose if that eyesore never gets made.
Rev. Lance Luther
Lance Luther was born to a father who was a snake-handling Baptist from Warren, MI and a Louisiana Puritan mother who practiced Macumba on the side that made him do chores all day until Luther realized he could get his 13 brothers and sisters to do them for him if he collapsed to the ground, drooled, and made random noises while inserting ‘instructions’ to his siblings. He never looked back and embarked upon his career as the Reverend of the ‘First Reformed Protestant of the Lost Lamb With the Swinging Sword and the Holy Spook with (Redacted)’, or the ‘Holy Swingers’ or ‘Swingers for the Lamb’ for short.
Noting the need for religious reform in America (too many laws that restricted the flow of money into Luther’s wallet), Luther penned his massive, monumental, brilliant, opus, ‘Manifesto Against the Protestant Work Ethic and a Call for a New ‘Murican Reformation’. On a day that came to called ‘The Great Day of Reform’ among Luther’s followers, and ‘Sunday morning’ among everyone else, Luther had a copy of his manuscript nailed to every church door in the U.S. where they promptly blew away.
Luther is currently involved in re-writing his greatest work (he forgot to keep a copy–forethought isn’t a prophet’s greatest strength) and calling for legislation to drug test babies before their mothers can be eligible for food stamps. He also heads C.R.A.S.S.S. the Christians Response Alert for Silly Stories in School which advocates the teaching of alternative theories to evolution–but only if those theories are absolutist.
He formed C.A.A.C.A. with Professor Richard Sqauwkins after a two week-long flame war that left both sides convinced that the real enemy of mankind is uncertainty.