An ‘Atheist Extremist’, Lord, at Last AT LAST!

Craig Stephen Hicks, accused in the murder of three Muslim Students:  Durham County Sheriff’s Office, via Associated Press

(Satire)

By Lance Luther:

Ever since Sep. 11th dropped two skyscrapers worth of headaches on our heads and the roar of atheists have clamored for the blood of violent Christians and Muslims ever since, we religionists have prayed every day for a target that we could answer back in kind to.

The good lord has provided us with that target.

Before the smoke had even dissipated on a Tuesday in February, and well before the details came in, my fellow traveler Elizabeth Stoker Bruenig made us all glow with newborn pride by writing ‘The Chapel Hill Murders Should be a Wake Up Call to Atheists‘ for The New Republic.  You should read it and come back.  My heart still burns with self-righteous vindication; there really are atheist extremists!  Never mind the disgusting way the author (and a small army of others–can you say praise the Lord!) uses the murder of three young Muslim students (of Arab descent), two of them newlyweds, to get a dig in on atheists before anything was known about the facts, that can be safely ignored, my friends.  After all, it’s worth it to finally get a chance to kick some smug faces in.

I completely agree with the authors contention that atheists are all Satan-worshiping male children (um, except for my esteemed colleague prof. Squawkins of course), never mind the robust feminist atheist community out there, and never mind the average age of every well-known atheist thinker since the Enlightenment (maybe the author should peep the author photos of near every atheist author).  And yes, everybody knows that Christians hate atheists–but YES!  WAKE UP CALL you kiddy atheists!  Maybe now you’ll stop kidnapping christian children and sacrificing them along with she-goats to the Devil.

As details emerge about this atheist scumbag, we find that…uh…he was a gun collector overcome with rage over a parking violation…and victim Deah Barakat’s own brother said that Craig Stephen Hicks never made any kind of anti-Muslim comments during said ongoing feud…and his wife flatly rejected any religious motive for the slayings and that Hicks was vocal about equal rights for all as well as irreligion, and even the New York Times isn’t falling for the ‘hate crime’ theory.

um, maybe we should just forget about this one.  If we keep it up, atheists could blame any murder on Christians or Muslims, since overwhelmingly, a killer would probably identify themselves as one of the two and since motive seems so irrelevant to authors like Bruenig, why should it be relevant to atheists?

If we keep writing articles like this one after the evidence has come in, us Christians and Muslims will just look stupid.

Lance Luthur is writing the sequel to his groundbreaking (but unfortunately lost in a pig-ditch in a Kentucky field) manifesto.  It will be entitled, ‘The Lord’s Anger and You: How to Stamp Out Christian Liberalism Within Your Own Communities While Kicking Out the Catholics and Bringing Back Tammy Faye and Other Important business”.

He plans to nail copies to the White House door, Pat Robertson’s Studio, and the Pope’s Lavatory.  This time he swears to use a longer nail… 

 

 

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Staff of C.A.A.C.A Downed by Flu, Vows to Keep Publishing:

While composing a New years post for this blog, a killer Flu virus burst into our offices and downed the staff for nearly two weeks now.  It appears that while we were out, the religious world around us went batshit insane.

In just the first weeks of 2015 since we last wrote, 12 cartoonists in France were gunned down by Islamic extremist who yelled, well…you know what they yelled.  Yes, once again it was over cartoons depicting Mohammed, along with other Islamic themes, in a not-so-flattering light.

As you have certainly heard by now, millions of people and over 40 World Leaders gathered in Paris to honor the fallen cartoonists (the U.S. was strangely absent from the rally, and is facing some harsh criticism for it-although Obama did call Hollande and said, “Yo, we’re with ya bro!”).

Immediately after the two gunmen committed this atrocity (police are currently looking for possible accomplishes), the arguments about whether or not it was appropriate to print the cartoons began.  People who had never seen or read a copy of Charlie Hebdo and couldn’t speak or read a word of French condemned the images as racist (pretty funny coming from a strongly anti-racist, nonconformist, and left-wing magazine), always careful however, to hedge their words with a weaselly ‘but’ as in, “I would never say the cartoonists deserved it, but…” Some people (especially the kind of people that are often the subject of it) just can’t seem to get a grip on satire.  Satire draws portraits of a power or authority and holds it up to the real thing like a mirror, but grotesque and distorted (which is what the subject looks like in truth, without the mask of social decorum firmly in place).  It draws the views of these people and drags them out kicking and screaming into the light of day for everyone to see (hence the depiction of so-called ‘welfare queens’ of Islam in an issue of Charlie Hebdo-that was the view of a certain intolerant right-wing party pushing ‘immigration reform’ in France, and CH was laughing at that view, not endorsing it.  When the great Johnathan Swift wrote satire entitled”A Modest Proposal” he was, (razor tongue in cheek) suggesting that the government deal with starvation, famine, and the almost non-existent economy at the the time by selling unwanted children for food, and using the skin for the fine clothes of great Lords and Ladies.  He was, of course, highlighting how little the rich cared about the plight of the people, by shoving it in their faces.  You can read this masterpiece of satire here:

A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick (1729)

But hey-let’s grant (just for a moment) that the cartoons were every bit as racist as argued; vile spiteful little drawings from a colonial white power elite intended to belittle and laugh about the hopes and problems of some minority brown-skinned race that France doesn’t like.  Let’s grant that ridiculous notion for a moment.

Here in America, we had a group of elite whites cartoonists that really did do that, (and they slip in sometimes even today) and we had an entire group of people-recently freed African Americans, who really did have every reason to decry how they were depicted (not to mention how they were beaten in the streets on a regular basis, lynched by vigilante mobs or plain old hate mobs, and numerous other forms of direct oppression).  They were oppressed by a colonial power, laughed at and made fun of with openly racist cartoons of a truly sickening nature and had every right to go after cartoonists when the civil rights movement erupted.  Yet no cartoonists were ever murdered by angry revenge mobs that I’ve ever heard of, and if they had, no one would have ever said, “it doesn’t excuse the murder, but…”.  If this kind of revenge murder didn’t happen then, I wonder what the different factor was that tipped the scales towards violence this time around?  Of course it’s religion, the factor everyone screams has nothing to do with it (or anyways, isn’t the real reason) even while the murderers claim to A: be working in the name of the prophet, B: demand that others submit to their understanding of blasphemy, and C: demand the institution of religious governance.

One person who has had a long career of tweaking his nose at power is legendary cartoonist Robert Crumb, best known for his underground comics of the 60’s and 70’s and who now lives in France.  This interview about the cartoon he just drew for the French newspaper, Liberation of “The hairy ass of Muhammed,” is an excellent read.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before our resident apologist Reza Aslan got into the act, but that’s the subject of a later post-we will need all our health to take on the grand master of uncertainty.

Meanwhile, Boko Haram, who desperately needs more attention by the international community, went on a murderous rampage through villages that left as many as 2,000 dead and 30,000 displaced in Nigeria starting on Jan. 3rd of 2015.  The Islamic rebel army have been terrorizing the region for the last nine days and bodies are still lying uncounted and unaccounted for.  For some strange reason, nobody is wearing shirts or holding signs saying “I am Baga town and surrounding villages and 2000 senselessly-killed and 30,000 driven from their homes, possibly forever.”  We guess it’s just not catchy enough.  Regardless, our we will post in greater detail about the massacre soon.

In lesser news, the Atlantic contained an article relating what must be some of the most terrible, faith-testing, frustrating questions an Islamist militant could ever face; the first-world problem-based questions of aspiring Western Jihadists.  The website Ask.fm has become a sight where hip aspiring IS militants gather in order to find out such essential-to-survival questions as whether or not WI-FI will be available (it will…or so they say!), or if a scrappy young Jihadist needs a parents permission to go marauding (It’s best, but better yet to bring the parents along!  “Hey Mom!  Guess where we’re going on vacation this year!?”)  Reading this article, you can just imagine some battle-hardened Jihadist, wearing his suicide vest with a bloody machete strapped to his vest, facepalming over and over and over again…

Last but not least, the non-hacktivist group Anonymous is pissed over Charlie Hebdo.  They have vowed to hunt down every last terrorist and annoy them for a day or two (as long as nobody throws an insult at one of their GamerZone buddies or something, in which case they will be forced to devote all their resources to Operation: Kid in Basement).  They reportedly already hit one target (a French extremist site) for like, a whole hour.  Rumor has it that al Qaeda, Is, Hamas and Hezbollah and the other major terrorist organizations are all expected to formally surrender and turn over their weapons over the next few days.

Here’s one of their silly videos, complete with that Max-Headroom shit.

Anonymous could have cost quite a few lives back when it tried to interfere with the IDF in Israel during the last major conflict there.  This time they may lose a few of their own.

A quick message for Anonymous; denial-of-service attacks are not hacking.  Could you maybe learn a new trick?

That’s only a portion of the insanity raging around religion over the last few weeks and the remaining staff at C.A.A.C.A. swears that this virus will not keep us down.  The blog will continue.  The blog must continue.  We are C.A.A.C.A.

Ken Ham Shakes Fist at Those Damn Atheists:

By Rev. Lance Luther:

Ken Ham, visibly red; sweat pouring down from his face and his shirt collar loose and partially undone, raised his fist defiantly to the air and screamed to the very heavens:  “Damn you, you ungodly atheists!!  Damn you all to Hell!!!”

Some people who witnessed the event swore that there was an ear-splitting crack of thunder as Ham shouted those words, and that lightning played across the well-known creationist’s fist, but most observers admitted that it was a sunny day with birds singing and a slight breeze lightly blowing across the lands that make up the Ark Encounters theme park, where Ham made his statements to the press.

Vowing revenge of Biblical proportions, Ham has stated that he intends to sue the State of Kentucky over his right to receive $81 Million dollars in order to build a giant toy boat with,  while discriminating against workers.  “I wasn’t going to do that, I WASN’T!!!  I WASN’T!!!” Ham exclaimed, jumping up and down while pumping his fists, with busts of steam coming out of his ears and great clouds of earth rising up around him.  “I was only going to discriminate against people over at the secular bits of my museum!”

So now Ham is claiming that the Commonwealth of Kentucky is violating Ham’s god-given–I mean, constitutional right to deny employment to anyone that isn’t Ham’s kind of Christian…the stupid kind.  Ham’s lawyers, not familiar with the difference between a church and a for-profit business, insist that Ark Encounters should be able to discriminate, like ‘all other religious organizations do’ and to do otherwise would “change their identity,” not only making the state’s case for them, but also accidentally implying that religions are inherently discriminatory.  It’s like God created a stupid-bomb and set if off around everyone involved with the Creation Museum and Ark Encounters.

Seeking the opinion of some of Ham’s competition, I spoke to Pope Methuselah Leroy about Ham’s attitude.  Pope Leroy is the old fella up the way who awoke one day to a vision that told him he was Christ’s real, bad-ass vicar on Earth and then commanded him to make a giant five story tree-house church out of nothing but old tires.  He said that Ham should just “Quit his hollarin’.  I didn’t get no million-dollar grant and I did just fine.  Jesus provides, remember?  There’s plenty of free timber at the town junk yard, and nails are all over the place.  Watch out for the dogs though.”

But Ham would hear nothing of good old Christian self-reliance.  Instead he erected a cruel and terrible revenge upon the atheists…a billboard that made them all laugh out loud.  One atheist was reduced to tears.  Once he had recovered he was finally able to gasp feebly, “Sink this ship…”, before collapsing to the ground again.  “Ken Ham couldn’t do better if he had channeled the spirit of Robin Williams!”

Credit: Ark Encounters
Credit: Ark Encounters

Nationwide, those atheists were up to even more shenanigans.  It wasn’t enough to put up those mocking Satanic displays in Florida (praise be to the brave ‘Christian Warrior’ who saved us all from that threat), or to help some evil Muslim woman in Ohio sue the Cuyahoga County Jail for forcing her to attend Christian services.  This is just a small sample of the evils that atheists have allowed to propagate across the land over the last few months.

Now those dirty atheists are going after our precious Homeland Security laws, along with a Kentucky plaque placed at the Kentucky Emergency Operations Center in Frankfort that actually, according to Ham, “requires Kentucky’s Office of Homeland Security to acknowledge it can’t keep the state safe without God’s help.”  Because apparently, an invisible man who is never around and never heard to issue orders is the commander and chief of all of our military (which would explain a lot, actually).

Yes, Ham has taken to the internet with a withering expose on how those atheists are trying to get rid of part of a Kentucky state anti-terrorism law that comes dangerously close to providing a legal framework for a state religion (although it makes no mention of any particular specific religion, thankfully).  Both the law and the plaque in question, (which partially reads that national security, “…cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon almighty God.”), “…is one of the most egregiously and breathtakingly unconstitutional actions by a state legislature that I’ve ever seen,” according to Edwin F. Kagin, the national legal director of  American Atheists Inc (based out of Parsippany, N.J.).  In his brilliant condemnation of the atheists, Ken Ham notes that Ed Kagin lives in the same region as himself and the Creation Museum, has been persecuting poor Ham and his loony bin–ah, museum, for years, and that–oops!  His address is 2800 Evilton Ave, Petersburg, KY 41080 and his private number is (588) 582-4253 and it sure would be a shame if that infidel unbelieving heathen were to be harassed or something….

On the other side of the issue, Dem. Rep. Tom Riner said, “No government by itself can guarantee perfect security.  There will always be this opposition to the acknowledgment of divine providence, but this is a foundational  understanding of what America is.”  Apparently, Riner failed to understand that 9/11 was a far cry from “perfect Safety”.  Where was divine providence then?  Where was God’s protection then?  Did he only begin his job as protector after Kentucky passed a law and made a shiny plaque?  What about the wounded veterans?  Didn’t they deserve ‘perfect safety’?  And since we are talking about ‘perfect’ safety and protection, as in God-like levels of perfection, shouldn’t our reputation and standing as a nation have been completely untarnished after events in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc?  After all, a shining reputation makes a nation safer than a tarnished one does.

On the other hand, maybe God let 9/11 happen on purpose, just so Kentucky could pass this law and God could get his official ‘in’ as the Grand Poo-bah of the military.  A spiritual ‘coup’ or false flag operation, if you will.  After all, he works in mysterious ways and all that, at least he does whenever Christians can’t think of an easy justification.

Anyways, the forces of Satan and the children of iniquity have been busy in Kentucky.  The atheists may mean well, based on their twisted, immoral little ideologies, but for each legal success they obtain that doesn’t replace religion with something at least as absolutist in its place, the rotten fruit of agnosticism creeps closer and closer.  Without God’s protection in our military, we might have to actually think about our motivations and goals.  Where’s the percentage in that?  Then there’s $81 Million bucks for an oversize wooden boat that will without a single doubt be causing accidents and injuries as it falls apart around the customers due to shoddy workmanship, construction shortcuts and funds diverted to offshore accounts and religious coffers.  Without that noble monument…ummm…ah…uhh, well….damn.

I can’t think of a single thing that anyone would lose if that eyesore never gets made.

Rev. Lance Luther

Lance Luther was born to a father who was a snake-handling Baptist from Warren, MI and a Louisiana Puritan mother who practiced Macumba on the side that made him do chores all day until Luther realized he could get his 13 brothers and sisters to do them for him if he collapsed to the ground, drooled, and made random noises while inserting ‘instructions’ to his siblings.  He never looked back and embarked upon his career as the Reverend of the ‘First Reformed Protestant of the Lost Lamb With the Swinging Sword and the Holy Spook with (Redacted)’, or the ‘Holy Swingers’ or ‘Swingers for the Lamb’ for short.

Noting the need for religious reform in America (too many laws that restricted the flow of money into Luther’s wallet), Luther penned his massive, monumental, brilliant, opus, ‘Manifesto Against the Protestant Work Ethic and a Call for a New ‘Murican Reformation’.  On a day that came to called ‘The Great Day of Reform’ among Luther’s followers, and ‘Sunday morning’ among everyone else, Luther had a copy of his manuscript nailed to every church door in the U.S. where they promptly blew away.  

Luther is currently involved in re-writing his greatest work (he forgot to keep a copy–forethought isn’t a prophet’s greatest strength) and calling for legislation to drug test babies before their mothers can be eligible for food stamps.  He also heads C.R.A.S.S.S. the Christians Response Alert for Silly Stories in School which advocates the teaching of alternative theories to evolution–but only if those theories are absolutist.     

He formed C.A.A.C.A. with Professor Richard Sqauwkins after a two week-long flame war that left both sides convinced that the real enemy of mankind is uncertainty.